Raw MaMa

In so many ways this is so. Just as baby turned nine months, outside as long as he was inside (he actually stayed a little more then that, but you get my point) i embarked on a raw detox. The process of offering foods to baby, other then magic milk has been slow and steady. We are committed to only fresh, raw and organic. So in the interest of not denying my baby the foods I'm eating, I realized now is the time to get even more raw! My emotions have been raw since I felt the spirit within, before the pregnancy test. The ride has been wild, been primal, been scary and new. It's been 20 days of raw detoxing....and I'm feeling great, today! Took a long walk with baby on board this afternoon. He is such good company.

With all the cleansing there is a smoothing of emotions and a lightness of being. With yesterday's colonic came a realization. Having never allowed myself to be dependent, and therefor vulnerable, I've pushed through with brute force. This method no longer works for my life, hence some troubled waters. Daddyman & babiest need the vulnerability of mama or 'mum-mum' as baby calls me. And so the raw will continue. This detox has another 8 days, but with any luck my raw mama life will carry far beyond next week.

Time to believe

In the wildness of this ride, I am able to delight in the perfect moments of now. On Friday I discovered that I can actually parallel park with a finger in the babies mouth! Who would ever known this possible? On my driving test I hit the cones but got my license anyway. Clearly I have passed the test. Today this dear boy was handed a kazoo, and knew exactly what to do with it. He didn't even need to 'figure out' that he would have to make a sound while blowing out for it to work. He is only eight months old.

Too long to remember

So much forgotten and now I remember. With the help of one of my fabulous friends I'm back in blog action. My life as wife and mama has settled in some ways, yet in others I am just waking up to this life of ours.
There are the deep joys; baby smiles, giggles and moves. The simple pleasures; ocean dips, making fermented pickles and my kombocha. The struggles seem faint at this moment. I'm loving this moment as my world sleeps.

A whole month

It has taken every bit of me to get to this moment. The challenges of this last month I liken to my experience of India; the land of extremes. The deepest joys to moments of deep grief. As I write this my 6 month old son and I are playing catch. He can't actual even scoot forward yet but he can direct a ball. He passes the ball with both right and left hand and often palms it a little first. I know it sounds hard to believe but we actually got it on video.
In this month we've moved to our new home. On half an acre which I plan to create an abundant garden on soon. A neighbor offered strawberry plants yesterday which is more then a metaphor for the rightness of this place. My husband is finally a permanent resident (although the actual card has not arrived. Likely due to the mail strike) and his home office, featuring a colonics unit, is ready for business.

Authentic movement was of great significance in my life just before midwifery school and thankfully a group has just started here on the coast!! This may save me in this hormonally stressful time.

Baby has two teeth and just tried avocado yesterday. We got a picture of that beautiful moment of first food.

Well that same baby is crying for magic milk now so I must go to him.

What more may come.

Oh my so many challenging moments today. Finally this week I have been feeling 'great'. Out on walks when strangers asked 'how are you' I replied 'great'. For the past many months the answer has been 'fine' or 'ok'. When questioned about these answers I was quick to confirm, just being satisfied the answer was not 'awful' or the like. I hadn't realized the shift until I heard myself say that delightful word "great". Fortunately today nobody asked that question of me. I have always felt the need to be honest. And so even this often empty question I give my truth of the moment.
Thankfully the moments pass!

Moonwater Mama: When I became a MaMa

Moonwater Mama: When I became a MaMa: "Having been told in metaphors about the change that would occur when transforming from maiden to mother, was more profound then I had imagin..."

When I became a MaMa

Having been told in metaphors about the change that would occur when transforming from maiden to mother, was more profound then I had imagined. On mothers day morning I cried deeper then I have in years. My sweet husband had started the gifting days before. The day had started slow with a leisurely bath and a plan for brunch at the Gumboot (our fav place to eat, in the creek). Not realizing the magnitude of such an action husbanddito, not being a techno guy, erased everything on the portable harddrive. This is where the metaphor comes in. All that has been of most importance to me before my new family, was eliminated in that moment. In a desperate attempt to find my teachers teaching I searched "Roshi". Poetically, to this popped up a picture of the baby wearing a kimono at two weeks old. My Roshi is here in every way. My new life the teachings.

That afternoon I used a fleece hat for a diaper liner, as I had not remembered the diaper bag.

Still feeling the after shocks of my personal earth quake, we carry on. This new way bringing new ways of being.

I am grateful for my husbands kindness, our sons gentleness and the divine light.

"you glow, you shine"

My shine is not seen by so many these days. For years I have been seen and appreciated by women, babies and families. I quiet enjoyed the continual stream of gifts, cards and various thank you's. It is an adjustment now for me. When women would say " i couldn't have done it without you" i would say "of course you could have but I'm grateful that you didn't". Now I'm finding new ways to remember how I contribute. Baby is helping by smiling to me,at any hour. He is ever so generous to others as well. I see him looking at people and waiting for them to make eye contact before he smiles just for them. It is such a pleasure to see the joy these smiles bring to the sadest of souls. I pray the thriving of us.

Magic Milk

So here I am, ten years a midwife and four months a mama... I had so many wonderful imaginings of how we would parent our precious bundle of joy. Having seen, heard and read many ideas, theries and ways over the years there is so much to choose from. I'm sure many poeple questioned our plans that we shared. Imagine what those same people would think of the ones we haven't shared with them. So far more then so good. With all those years of considering has come a profound clarity and determination. It feels so delightful to be giving to this baby human in the ways we know honour his being (the way we wish we had been honoured).

Our sweet child has been using a potty (or in the first few weeks a yogurt container)since birth. It is amazing to me how proud a mama I can be, over a pee and/or poop on the pot. This is a fun subject I may blog in future:-). So between using the potty and clothe diapers, baby has not had a rash for more then a day, until last week. I've been using a combination of ground organic corn (for drying) and Shea butter (once dry). Last week the valcro on a cover irritated a spot of his belly. The corn and Shea butter seemed to do nothing for it. Even though for years I have prescribed breastmilk for 'everything', I didn't think to use it on this until yesterday. And today it is mostly healed. When I mentioned to a friend that I was surprised I hadn't thoughtt of this sooner she kindly suggested that this is because I am now a mom!!!in this I realized the distinction between my way as a midwife verse my way as a mama...not mutually exclusive yet not always the same.

Moonwater Mama: All the time in the world

Moonwater Mama: All the time in the world: "Ok. I'm not sleeping. The quiet is so kind. This time last year we had recently found ourselves pregnant. As a midwife I was often asked w..."

All the time in the world

Ok. I'm not sleeping. The quiet is so kind. This time last year we had recently found ourselves pregnant. As a midwife I was often asked why I didn't have children and how I could be a midwife without having children. I deeply considered this many times. The conclusion I came to was that I would not be able to be the midwife I was if I had a baby. So often I would hear the opinion of others on this subject, like it or not. So here I am 4 months into mamahood, and I can't imagine ever leaving my son for a birth. Those hours that I devoted to the lives and families of other, is now for my family creation. Of course there may come a day, like people are implying, that I will be ready to leave my son for those random and undetermined amount of hours again. It feels now like my life work is in the unfolding of this human life that grew within me and is nourished by the "magic milk" of my body. If baby and I are one, as we all are, then our being together is ideal. From his early days he has said "mama"....and in those moments he settles for only me... This is were I want to be.

(For the first time last week I was out for an hour, without baby. Baby stayed home with daddyman and his big sister and nephew who were visiting. I thought it rather perfect that my first whole hour away from my baby was for me to deliver 260 oz of milk I was donating to the breastmilk bank. My newly set goal is to donate 1000oz. I have 8 more months to pump, as I can only pump until baby is one year old. This milk goes to the sickest kids.)

A few weeks ago I got the message, by a total stranger. This was a stranger that was not strange at all. He was the kind that I later wondered if he even existed or if he was actually an angel placed specifically for us in that moment. He said that at this point in our lives with a new baby we need to create 'a nest'. This was the sign I needed to continue on the search for another place to call home. And yesterday I signed for it!!! It is so exciting to imagine what dreams may come. This year I will create the garden beds that will nourish our bodies as we continue to nourish our souls.

Peace to all

This amazing little person who came through me, is such a gift. Here is another one of so many stories. A couple of days ago we were out at our favorite funky local resturant where baby engaged in his usual nonverbal, but oh so clear, communication style (looks, smiles & sweet sounds)with the woman at the next table. Once he had managed to make her day daddyman headed out ahead of me with the baby. Much to the womans delight and surprise baby gave her the peace sign over daddy's shoulder.

A quiet place

Amazing how my world has been altered so profoundly. My life of as a midwife required much of me. And my life as a wife and mama requires even more. At this moment my husband is asleep on the couch. Our son was asleep, but just as I had the thought of writing he stirred. Given that the iPhone is so portable and our only Internet in the house, here I am giving nourishment to my baby and words to my world. Before Child (BC) I had many quiet ways of being in my life. The most obvious, the hours of yoga and mediation, have taken on new forms. As a midwife I often said "the only people who work harder then midwives are mothers" and now I know for sure this is true.

Baby and I went to yoga class this morning. He is quite the yogi. It is so fun to get creative; triangle with him on my hip, tree pose with him in the sling, sun-salutations with him on the mat under me (he giggles as my head gets closer). Nicely at the studio near our home baby is welcome at all classes with me!!! Mostly this has gone very well.

Meditation has presented different challenges. One monk said that "the only real excuses for not meditating as much as you know to, are shark bites and children under five". Some mornings we sit just as we did BC but even more often I find the spaces between, to be quietly alive. Yesterday my quiet moment was with my head under water, in the bath, chanting. This made it impossible to hear fussy baby who was being well cared for by daddyman. Thankfully there have only been a few times like this in the last 3.5 months. Not wanting to "take over" when there really is nothing more I can offer, submerging my head worked very well. It was quite the kufu, as we say in Japanese. (kufu means 'a creative solution to a problem').

Smiling Baby

This baby, my son, is the happiest baby I know. He does most of his sleeping at night (today he didn't get up until 8am, usually it is closer 5or6)and always wakes up smiling regardless of the hour. This sure helps for those feadings after midnight.
The other day I'm out with baby in a carrier as usual. We had gone for a walk and he fell asleep, as he often does. We were in the hair product section when he woke up. I noticed he was awake and started talking to him about where we had been for our walk and were we are now. A woman shopping near us turned, upon hearing his name, and said "I know this baby. The one who smiles when he looks at you". It turns out they had met in a coffee shop, many days prior, with my husband.

In a few of my saddest tear-filled moments not only has he smiled at me but giggled too.
"He really is an angel" to quote my sweet husband.

"Today like every other day..."

But today is not like every other day. Today I've started a blog. I was inspired by a blog link sent to me by a dear friend. The blogger spoke of writing on the days that don't look so ideal. Today was one of those days for me, or rather a few moments of this day were that way. As a new mama there is so much newness. My sweet baby does not enjoy the carseat. On good days he tolerates it, today was not one of those days. We got through it together. A few extra stops. Thankfully we usually have all the time we need to do with as we do. What wasn't so pretty was my attempt to reason, with a 3 month old. Forgiving myself in that moment of frustration allowed me to see what baby was communicating. This being mama is such a joy unfolding!